Mercury is in Retrograde Again…Just in Time for Thanksgiving

Fuck, man.

I’m no astrologer, but 2018 has been an absolute doozy when it comes to retrogrades. Venus was just in retrograde earlier this month and, you guessed it, good ol’ Mercury is back at it again.

I’ve already given you the low-down about surviving Mercury in retrograde, but the stakes are a hell of a lot higher this time around. Why?

…because next week is Thanksgiving. 

Sure, you may be able to keep your cool when an email gets lost or you have a classic miscommunication with a loved one, but how about when you have dozens of family members descending on your house? It’s not so easy to be zen when the fate of your beloved turkey is in jeopardy, is it?


Look I get it, believe me. I’m “hosting” Thanksgiving for the first time this year, and I would be lying if there wasn’t a sense of impending doom dancing around in the back of my head. Historically, Mercury retrogrades have royally fucked with my plans and this seems like no exception.

So, what am I doing about it?

As much as I would like to lay in bed for the next 3 weeks with the covers over my head, there is a perfectly yummy catered meal from Whole Foods with my name on it. So, I must press on and figure out a way to survive one of the most significant astrological occurrences right smack in the middle of the holidays.


Survival Tactic #1: Save and print ALL the emails

I mentioned that I cheated and catered Thanksgiving, right? It’s a wonderful hack (especially since I have no clue how in the hell to cook a turkey), but it is also a classic scenario that good ol’ Mercury would love to fuck with during a season in retrograde. I can just see it now:

“Umm yeah, hi? I’m here to pick up my Thanksgiving order?”

“Last name?”

“Murray.”

“I’m sorry, we don’t have an order associated with that name. Do you have your confirmation number?”

“Shit, you know I had it here somewhere. Maybe it’s still in my inbox. Fuck, I just got this new iPhone X and it never does what I want. Crap why isn’t Gmail opening? I swear, I have it. Hang on, maybe this is it? Shit no that’s just an ad. Why do you guys send so many spammy ad emails? Wait no, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. Just give me a second.”

*angry New Yorker on line behind me starts cursing and yelling for me to hurry the fuck up*

“I GET IT! YOU WANT YOUR FUCKING TURKEY! ME TOO!”

To avoid this tragic and somewhat embarrassing outburst of public anger, I went old school. I printed out every single confirmation email, reservation number and shopping confirmation for absolutely anything and everything I’ve ordered pertaining to the holidays. Yep, even that tablecloth from Amazon. No risk chancing it.


Survival Tactic #2: Just say “NO!” to in-law drama

Like so many (if not all) of you, I have my fair share of family drama around the holidays. I’m lucky enough that this drama seldom stirs with my immediate family (who I love and adore more than life itself) but, as the saying goes, the shit was bound to hit the fan at some point.

Since I lucked out with some pretty awesome parents and no siblings, I was destined to marry into some familial drama. But when Mercury is in retrograde during the holidays, I just say no. Literally. As in, I don’t entertain any of the nonsense, let the calls roll to voicemail, and keep on truckin’ with my makeshift gluten-free stuffing. Life’s too short and you can always tackle these complex family relationships after Mercury starts spinnin’ the right way again.


Survival Tactic #3: Take lots and lots and lots of breaks

Whether you’re Martha Stewart-ing it by making an entire meal from scratch or cheated like me, the holidays can be incredibly stressful. And this is especially true when Mercury decides to fuck with everything and burn your Grandma’s precious cranberry sauce. So take it from one yogi to another: just take a break. Put down the turkey baster and leave the kitchen. Yep, seriously. Just go. Tell your husband or girlfriend or mom that the oven is on and you’re going for a 20 minute walk. Clear your head, enjoy a little fresh air, and when you’re ready…try again. Repeat as necessary to maintain sanity.


Survival Tactic #4: Practice a little gratitude

I know, this seems incredibly cliché around Thanksgiving, but it’s something that most of us sadly lose sight of this time of year. Between all of the cooking and weird family dynamics and the looming financial stress of Christmas, Thanksgiving usually signals the start of a very stressful season for a lot of folks. But it doesn’t have to be this way, trust me. Whenever you get the urge to scream or cry or pull your hair out next week, repeat just one of these mantras to yourself:

I am grateful to have a family to celebrate this holiday with because many people do not.

I am grateful to have the means to cook this ginormous and delicious meal.

I am grateful to have a body that allows me to shop and prepare a meal for the people I love most.

I am grateful that my kids want to help me cook (even though they are royally messing up the mashed potatoes) because one day they will be 17 and will be a total pain in my ass.

…you get the idea.


Survival Tactic #5: Trust that this too shall pass

Mercury will only be in retrograde until December 6th, well before Santa comes to town. *Thanks powers at be and prays to every known deity that Mercury never goes retrograde at the end of December for the remainder of my days on this Earth*

Keep calm & carry a baster,

The Yogi Lawyer

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